Whose dreams am I living?

It is hard to reconcile between my parents' dreams and my own dreams.

I feel rather torn on this part. My parents wanted me to be like them, a Chinese medicine practitioner. I think I know the formula to get into medicine school: great grades + getting clinical experience + do science research + great recommendations by teachers - and they wouldn't want me to develop other areas of expertise, unless I prove myself to be exceptional in these areas. In addition, I know that it is hard to get scientific research and clinical experience with my autism diagnosis. I have High Functioning Autism, and in terms of both medical and psychological barriers, my parents just want to push me to do something I can't do, so this really leaves a dark spot no matter where I go, and I am prejudiced...

But on the other hand, I feel really stressful. My sisters are all either doctors or married to some business people. So they can comfortably support themselves even with rather stressful jobs of pleasing the in-laws and the superiors. Me? I am a man. I have to support the family. And I do not have the luxury of welfare money - I have to find a way to support myself.

Plus, I have some motor skills problems. I am ok in conducting science experiments and I love them. I used to cook in my free time, to improve on-hands skills. However, eventually, my parents and my teachers have the problem with this - I am slow with my hands like a turtle, and I always mess things up. 

Eventually, it went to a point that I am forced to drop all my science courses. The very weird thing in our education system is that, you cannot do Mathematics or Statistics in university without doing Physics (or Chemistry, or other science subjects), in public universities. 

In retrospect, I think I would do a decent job in Mathematics-related careers, like being an actuarist. If possible, I should even think of this career in mind, and sign up for an actuarial science course somewhere, since an actuary almost always has great demand no matter where s/he goes.

I wanted to do mathematics as a career. I believe mathematics is something which we can hone, not in-born. I do not have the best math skills but I just want to try, try and try again.

Being good at what we do would be great. Having the social knowledge to meet my own goals and my family's reputation, however, would be more relevant to me.

Can we fit into our current world?

Look at our diagnosis, and look at the hyper-social world we live in today, even when we have skills and professional accreditation etc, we just cannot fit in. 

Could it be that the few of us who are diagnosed with some form of autism cannot cope with the present social needs of the world? Well just look, as per an article I quote from CBC News, Paul Shattuck of the Waisman Center at the University of Wisconsin at Madison said "many of the children now being counted in the autism category would probably have been counted in the mental retardation or learning disabilities categories if they were being labelled 10 years ago instead of today." Despite so, the rate of autism still climbed from 9 (2006) to 11, or more, children per 1000 people. 

I feel that the era of 'mental retardation', which I, an individual with High Functioning Autism (that is, I have higher-than-normal IQ but I also had significant speech delays), was initially diagnosed with in the past, is long over. Now, I believe, increasingly, the new diagnoses could be people with the old 'Asperger's Syndrome' in DSM-IV. This may still be present in DSM-V, but the new psychiatry standards would be that more likely, people with Asperger's may be grouped together with those with High Functioning Autism.

That's why, these days, the very few INTJs we know are diagnosed as having Asperger's Syndrome, or, in the future, autism.

I am not sure about those with Asperger's Syndrome. However, I can be very certain that smartness comes in multiple forms, and definitely for people with High Functioning Autism, we may not have the ability to communicate early, as indicated in our significant speech delay. This does not stop us from being really able to change the world - Prof. Albert Einstein, a fellow High Functioning Autism-er, invented the atomic bomb that ended World War Two. However, it is true that we are really disadvantaged to have the social smarts to navigate around a social world, and an increasingly social one that connect everyone, but us (those with autism).

In addition, in my case, I can't do engineering due to my motor skills (indeed, my mother is much more frustrated than I do, in terms of motor clumsiness), and I am really uncertain of what I can do for a living - because I have no idea what I can do next. 

Also, from what I know in my studies currently, we are all going through globalization. We seek one best way for the world to improve. So instead of filling workers in one country to replace the retiring baby boomers, we hire more people from developing countries, while having spare workers to put some baby boomers on early retirement; and then for many countries, it is cheaper to put some people on welfare than on competitive employment. This is a way I see to explain why we have an economic depression: we have a slight bulge in population due to the echo boom from the late 1970's to early 1990's, the off-springs of baby boomers.

The odds are stacked against me and my times. I see little hope. I do not know where I can go next. Now, even my country has so many accountants, I do not know whether I can bag a job after I graduate.

If I do not know my future, where do I know I can go? How can I plan for the future?

This is why, from my personal experience, it is so much better emotionally to live at the moment, than to live for the future. I admit, I have no long-term goals. If I had any, I'd say 'my life experiences robbed them'. 

Have you gone through what I went through in life? I wanted to be a firefighter when I was a child, but I can't fight the depression within me. I wanted to be a doctor like my elder sister, but I cannot overcome my autism in getting through the tough interviews. I wanted to be a civil servant (teacher, administrator, government-based urban planner etc.) but look, I was exempted from conscription because I 'don't want to do National Service/conscription'. Thing is, my father claimed, 'the Ministry of Defense doesn't want you either'. I really don't know whom to believe.

This is why it had been a pain when people say they want to even guide other fellow people on the Spectrum 'back to normal'. What is normal? Normal is everything but me.

We often have interests that cost money. Yeah. She's right. It's my belief, and others' too, that the only way to stop our pain is buying our sorrows away. She's so right, I totally and completely agree with her point.

For those of you who are lucky to find a way you feel comfortable in, and that you can reasonably contribute to society, good for you. 

But from my experiences, you have to be careful. I know friends who did electrical engineering and still are jobless, after a few years of graduation from University. So much for professional jobs. Every job in Singapore, a much more collectivist society (but the most dynamic in Asia and hence, the world) than many Western societies, requires some form of conformity. Some can conform. I can, but my records don't, and this worries me.

And saving is not enough - I know a friend who scrimps by having only malted drinks and biscuits to survive on, but he still has no job, due to his skin conditions and some nasty things that happened to him.

Such tunnel vision is expected if we see no hope in ideas that give us hope in real life.

Disability Mystique

In my society, the NTs, those without autism and all those special needs like dyslexia, they are encouraged to go on to college and get the highest degrees they get. 

For now, the trend is that, all NTs who can make it are encouraged to go on to university. And get the highest degrees they could get, be it Master's or LLBs or even MBBSes. Recent educational reforms in Singapore expanded higher education access to 40% of Singapore's population. This means, slightly less than half of those of an age cohort could get into University, with public funding. 

However, it is a different story for those with learning disability. They are expected to flip burgers, wash cars or serve food in restaurants. They are not expected to do well in studies. All the different social mechanisms in Singapore just seem to fail Singaporeans with learning disabilities. 

I know cases of academically capable Singaporeans with learning disabilities get talked out of university because of their learning disability alone. I often hear comments by counselors to those students, "Oh, those schools won't give you career opportunities, given the perception of employers viewing your learning disabilities anyway. Just do a practical course and prove to them you can definitely be hands-on, and do the tasks in hand". Then these capable people who are talked to do the vocational (and hence, veering off the track from University), instead of doing well in those courses, they drop out, and then get unemployed, because they cannot fit into the technical training, when they're better suited for the typical Liberal Arts college/university work.

What if these people also have dreams like other Singaporeans, wishing to do well enough to get a degree, and to eventually serve for the Civil Service, like, say, being a teacher? There could be a firmly entrenched and seemingly grounded belief, that causes people with learning disabilities losing their hopes, visions and desires to do good, due to some delusions.

Like many Singaporeans, I also want to get an advanced degree and serve society. Unlike most Singaporeans, though, I work hard because I think there is potential in some people who are disadvantaged. There are the poor who are discouraged by persistent unemployment at low wages, there are people who are kept out of many job/career-related opportunities because of their perceived or actual disabilities, then there are also people who are oppressed because of their religion (for Jehoviah's Witnesses are not allowed to practice in Singapore) or political belief (for the current government still has an iron grip on the media, issuing permits to newspapers to publish, every year). I call them, collectively, the disadvantaged. And my purpose is to make the disadvantaged feel better, and have a sense of closure and satisfaction, as they have a common goal to pursue their dream, without fear.

For a free, open and accepting society for all, I am doing the hard thing. I currently hope to finish my degree and work for a few years, before getting a proper accounting certification for the good work I do. I really hope to change my society, through my auditing and accounting work, to competently and accurately portray the strengths and shortcomings of various business processes in the companies.

However, there are two different sources of pressures.

One comes from external. Anxiety issues, I suppose. The usual taunting by classmates, since I slog day in and day out in the library and still get a less-than-desired result. It's due to my lack of accommodations (which my parents talked me out of not taking, they'd be really useful to me), pressures to complete the degree as fast as I can, as well as the uncertainty of employment after my graduation. Even those Aspies I know in Singapore say, they resign to a life of either unemployment, or doing low-skilled jobs. They find it tiring to fight the society, or even challenge it.

Another comes from within. After some internal thought, I think I had been dissipating energy through studying my current business/accounting course, because I do not feel putting in 100% of my effort in accounting. Somehow, even though I try to rein in my emotions, there's still something within me that really does not see the link between accounting and gradual hope and inspiration for a whole spectrum of people. And this is unacceptable to me, given that I really envision myself to feel fresh and energetic, and feel positive, for the work I do. 

It is the internal pressure from within that has been cracking me all along. Even more than the disability mystique. I don't know how to deal with them.

But eventually, I'll give myself some time to reconsider my options. Perhaps, when I am more mature, I may be able to make more informed decisions. But, for now, when my psychological condition is still okay, I'll still make the best out of my life by doing in accounting work.

Issues with Megatron

I have trouble with Megatron. I can't say his real name, because as the moderator of another fellow site like the one he manages, I am not supposed to contravene the 'no-hate rule', especially against another head of another site, whom I offended and appear in their blacklist, for really working against his personal interests. I am not supposed to have ill will against anyone. But the truth to me is, 'no-hate' does not happen.

I am not really against Megatron and his atrocious nepotic practices, peppered with favoritism of his great rich friends of the same socio-economic strata. Indeed, if it's just about his own stuff, I'd go easier with him, because don't we love the same horses?

So Brony stuff isn't an issue. The issue is more of the specific comments that he said. 

Megatron used to say, 'You didn't work hard enough,' or 'get off my life, since you're low-functioning'.

What's appaling to me is that Megatron himself is an Aspie, like me, and even more essential to me, he volunteers for the local autism group. Megatron himself, like many people on the Spectrum, is working towards a career in STEM (or, in my own term, MESTCH). Also, one of his maternal aunts is the current President of the autism group. Or so I heard.

For those who are like Megatron, who may have Special Needs are lucky to get into the MESTCH (Mathematics, Engineering, Science, Technology, Commerce (backroom operations, such as patent law, firm accounting or backroom finance) and Healthcare) by virtue of the combination of family wealth, connections and innate ability, good for them. The world is an unfair system, and I accept it. Such is life.

Simply because MESTCH is kind of standardised. So long as you don't have a psychiatric condition, criminal record and low IQs, you can theoretically work your way up even if you're an Aspie. (Well, I say, theoretically.) And more critical to me, money can buy almost everything - legal settlements, intellectual training/tuition, medication to treat psychiatric conditions or perhaps even 'familial welfare'.

However, I note that not at least 85% of the Aspies in Singapore are unemployed. They are poor, not really well-connected, not really smart (90% of Aspies are not savants anyway), could be involved in police cases, or have a psychiatric condition. Many of them have disparate interests, especially in the media (art, music, or, remotely, even sports). But the media requires much more money than MESTCH to break into.

However, as I and Dad are both avid sports fans, we know Zulfiya Chinshanlo is an ethnic Chinese who moved to Kazakhstan, did not get along with the Chinese sports bureaus well, and get 'loaned' to the Kazak national team. Even if you don't get training in your home country, so long as you do well in your area of sport, you can still break world records...

I believe the same could go for art and music.

Given globalisation, and given that my friend Tiger knows a few people who are interested in art, music and sports, and are still unemployed, I guess it's a great opportunity for us to work on our common strengths.

This is why I proposed to Tiger's group, perhaps we could do a documentary or video about High-Functioning Autism, and to display our talent using this project? Even if we failed, at least, we worked on something worthwhile.